


What Happened to I'll Always Love You?

by AvalonBell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2012!Phan, Angst, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan Angst, Phan Songfic, Phan prompt, Phanfiction, Songfic, phanfic, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-29
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-29 21:16:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6394174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AvalonBell/pseuds/AvalonBell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>t’s 2012 and Dan and Phil can tell that things are different and they don’t like it. It’s a shame that Dan doesn’t quite understand in order to fix something you need to talk about it. </p>
<p>Based on this prompt I saw: “A  fic based on the song “Touch” by Shura, maybe like 2012!phan where the 2009 feelings are changing and they’re having trouble figuring it out, causing arguments, fights, general angst (based on the line “there’s a love between us still but something’s changed and i don’t know why”) but like they figure it out in the end.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Happened to I'll Always Love You?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! So I saw this prompt on Phanfic and planned out an entire fic to write about and here it is. I hope you like it. Enjoy :)!

2012-

~July 31st, 2:30a.m.~

I don’t know how I ended up walking down the streets of London in the pouring rain in my pajama pants and a black shirt. I don’t know why or how I ended up giving up on walking and instead ended up just collapsing on the pavement and leaning against a random brick building. And I especially don’t know how I ended up letting tears fall over being kicked out of my own goddamn flat, except I do know. And I’m not crying because I was kicked out of a flat I owned, I was crying because I was just told by Phil that he never wanted to see my face ever again and that he was one hundred and ten percent done with me and my bullshit.

I feel everything give out on me and I only shut my eyes allowing the rain to drown me into sleep, leaving my black shirt sticking to my skin and my hair being soaked. **_I didn’t care_**. I didn’t care about anything any more. I just wanted to lay here, shivering due to millions of ice cold drops of rain hitting my skin at once and never ending. I wanted to sleep here and not wake up anymore because as much as I didn’t want to admit it just an hour ago, I wanted Phil as more than a friend and now I lost him as both. I choose to just stop fighting and close my eyes, awaiting for the the numbness to cease as I drift to sleep because of exhaustion. I couldn’t fight anymore and Phil sure as hell wouldn’t want to see me back home, he made that clear just hours ago.

~Early 2012~

_“There’s love between us still but something’s changed and I don’t know why”_

It was nearing two in the morning and I was currently bouncing my fingers on the keys of my piano in an attempt to learn a new song. It had been roughly four months since the video and nothing’s changed between me and Phil, I refuse to believe it has.

I hear a knocking and stop my piano playing abruptly to notice Phil opening my bedroom door out the corner of my eye. “Hey, you do know it’s two in the morning right? Maybe you should be going to bed or something.” Phil suggests walking over to me and leaning against the piano.

I let a smile tug at my lips slightly. “Alright mum, will do,” I muttered rolling my eyes and looking over at him. “Why’re you up at such a late hour anyways?” I asked, standing up and facing the direction he was in then crossing my arms, a small smirk painted across my face.

Phil shrugs. “I could ask you the same thing,” He hesitates for a moment before stepping closer to me and pecking my cheek. “Maybe we should both head to bed then, my room sound alright since we slept in yours last time?”

I can’t help but hesitate for a moment. That was the first time in a week one of us has kissed the other and I didn’t want to admit it but it felt different from how it used to feel. I look over at him and notice the slightly scared look in his eyes as he noticed my indecisive behavior. “Um-” I start, looking down at the ground. I shouldn’t be this nervous, I’d been kissing Phil for years and a small hiatus from that shouldn’t change anything.

Before I can finish my sentence Phil lets out a sigh. “Look Dan, if we’re not gonna sleep anytime soon or something I think we need to talk.”

“Talk? Talk about what? There’s nothing we need to talk about.” I reply, migrating to the edge of my bed. It was fine, everything was fine in our lives and there was nothing we needed to talk about.

Phil takes a seat on my bed beside me and looks over at me, crossing his arms. “Really? So you always look like I just did the weirdest thing ever when I kiss your cheek and invite you to sleep with me?”

“Y-Yeah.”

I hear an annoyed sigh come out of his mouth. “Look Dan, something’s different and you can’t tell me you can’t tell. I don’t know what it is but I don’t like it.” He tells me, scooting closer and trying to look me in the eye, but I refused to look back at him.

I didn’t like it either, I didn’t like _**this**_. I felt like I was being interrogated for something stupid that didn’t need to be discussed. Nothing was different, I just needed to get used to him again. But I didn’t want to sleep with Phil anymore, I wanted to be in my own bed with my own thoughts and secluded from the world in my own bedroom. I didn’t want to know that there was a man who I’d fell in love with in 2009 laying next to me that is doubting what we are. I didn’t want to talk about what we were or put a label on anything. I just _ **didn’t want this**_. I couldn’t handle it at the moment and so I chose not to.

“There’s nothing different Phil, just go to bed alright? Just go to sleep and we can talk in morning,” I mumble climbing into my bed and closing my eyes, not caring for a response. “Turn the lights off on your way out please.”

The last thing I heard that night was the annoyed sigh accompanied by my door being slammed shut. I held back the urge to punch something out of frustration.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the start of something that would lead to me wanting to just curl up in a ball and die.

~March 8th, 5:30p.m.~

_“I can’t believe that it’s been three years”_

“Ugh, Phil why are you dragging _**me**_ outside so you can see one of _**your**_ old college friends?” I groan, slipping on my coat and grabbing the keys to the flat and my wallet.

“Oh hush, I just thought you should get out the house. You’ve been locked in your room for weeks, just come on. You might like my friend too, you never know.” He tells me, opening the door.

“I doubt I’ll have fun, but alright. Where are we going anyways?”

“Just down the street to the local pub. We won’t be there long, we could even go out to town or something when we’re down if you’re up for it.” Phil suggests as we walk down the street, our hands stuffed in our pockets.

We stood fairly far from each other and this would be normal since we were out and we didn’t want any fans to try and make it seem like we were two people who were in love who couldn’t be broken apart but the vibe was different from that. Usually I’d be fine being only a few inches apart from him knowing that when we got home we could be as close as we wanted but I wasn’t alright with this. I felt like we were just walking down the street as friends rather than whatever the hell we were for three years. I don’t respond and only continue following him down the sidewalk until we arrive at the pub.

“Hey, Phillip! It’s been too long since I’ve seen you in person!” Phil’s friend brings him into a tight hug and I can’t help but shuffle awkwardly as I come to the realization I had no clue who this person was and he’d known Phil for longer than I have. Dammit Phil, he knew I hated being put in situations like this.

The man in front of us wasn’t very tall compared to me and Phil. If he were stood beside a man that was average in height he would probably be maybe a few centimeters taller than that. He had skin that was a bit darker than Phil’s but not by much. Was everyone Phil used to be friends with as pale as a ghost like him? He had dark brown hair styled as a quiff and wore black jeans and a dark red t-shirt. He was the most built person I’ve seen but he was definitely more in shape than me or Phil.

“Haha, I know right. It’s nice to finally see you again. Let’s find a seat so we can go catch up some more, yeah?” Phil suggests and we migrate over to the bar table and sit down on a bar stool, Phil sat in the middle and his friend and I on each of him. “Oh, this is Dan by the way. I’m sorry I didn’t introduce you to him sooner.”

“It’s fine. Hey, I’m Ben. It’s nice to meet you Dan,” He says while getting up and shaking my hand. He then looks between the both of us and has a suggestive expression on his face but he quickly hides it. “So, how long have you two known each other?” He asks, sitting back down and looking between the both of us.

“Three years now, we moved in together in 2011. We’re thinking about moving to London though.” Phil explains taking a sip of his drink he’d ordered as they were sitting down.

“Yeah? So you’re both going to move into the same place in London?”

“Yeah, I mean if we’re both gonna go there then we might as well live with each other. Plus I wouldn’t mind having to deal with this spork here for a few more years.” I joke, nudging Phil on the arm.

“Haha, right,” Ben pauses, the same suggestive look he had on not long ago coming back onto his face. “So um, sorry if I sound intrusive, but are you two like, together? It’s just there’s like a vibe I’m getting that you’re more than friends, I dunno.” He asks, leaning against the table.

My eyes go wide and then my face turns red. I look over at Phil awaiting his reply since this was a question I couldn’t even answer myself. “Oh! Um, me and Dan? We’re uh-no…” Phil replies, his voice going all high pitched and I turn away from the group.

“Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom.” I mutter quickly, my hands balling up in fists and I rush to the restroom and lean against the bathroom sink, slamming my hand against it.

I didn’t understand why it pissed me off so much. There it was, the label I _ **didn’t**_ want. But it was out now, we were friends and that’s it. But that’s how it always was right? No, it wasn’t like that three years ago. Three years ago I was the happiest person on earth just having the opportunity to be in the presence of the boy I’d admired for so long. I fell in love with a boy on the internet and he loved me back. Three years ago we spent every day proving to each other how much we cared and loved each other. Three years ago I was head over heels for the man only a few steps away from me now, so why didn’t I feel like proving that to him now?

My thoughts are interrupted as Phil is bursting through the bathroom doors quickly, rushing to my side. “Dan are you okay? I’m sorry I said that, I just didn’t know how to reply and-”

“Phil, just shut up. It’s fine,” My voice is hoarse and I shock myself as I’m quickly holding back the urge to start crying or to punch something. “We aren’t together, you were just telling him the truth. That’s how it always has been, so there is no need to apologize.” I mumble, holding onto the edge of the sink as if it were the only thing that kept me in reality.

“It’s not though. We weren’t not a couple at one point,” I could tell the words came out of his mouth before he thought about them and I tense up at the response, my knuckles turning white due to my grip becoming even tighter on the sink. My hands were screaming but I didn’t care, this situation was quickly escalating to something I didn’t want to face. “It was so much easier three years ago Dan, what the hell happened?”

I let go of the sink and quickly turn to Phil. “I don’t know Phil, but I don’t want to find out,” I answer then walk past him. “I’m going back home, tell your friend it was nice meeting him but I felt a bit ill and had to leave, the flat will be unlocked so don’t worry about a key.” I  answer sharply, quickly walking out the bathroom and rushing toward the door of the pub and quickly heading home. This entire thing was a huge mistake, thanks a whole fucking lot Phil.

~May 18th, 8:30p.m.~

_“I want to touch you but I’m too late, I want to touch you but there’s history.”_

I walk into the club and look around to see a bunch of youtubers already drunk off their asses and smirk at their reckless behavior. Phil and I were invited to a party that Tyler had planned, reserving the club for only us and other youtubers he knew. I don’t know how Tyler, a man from Michigan in America, reserved an entire club in Britain for all youtubers. But I’m not complaining since this is a place where there was a room of people I actually knew and a few I was friends with.

“Dan, Phil! I’m so glad you both made it!” A more flamboyant than usual Tyler Oakley walks over to us, bringing us both into a hug.

“Hey Tyler, thanks for inviting us. Sorry we seem to be a bit late. Everyone here already appears to be drunk or buzzed.” I joke, letting out a small laugh.

“No, no, it’s fine. This party is _**far**_ from over. I mean, as long as I’m here this thing is never ending! Come on, let’s get a drink in both your hands, you need to catch up with everyone.” And with that Tyler Oakley is pushing both Phil and I towards the bar. Phil looks over at me, unsure if we should drink as much as Tyler is implying. I only shrug and shoot him a smirk, ordering a few shots. If I was going to be getting drunk or buzzed I might as well do it right.

“Alright, give me another shot of vodka, and while you’re at it get me a gin and tonic will ya?” My voice is loud and my request is accompanied from a giggle from me, a large smile plastered on my face. I didn’t know the time and I didn’t care, I was fucking happy. I’d been drinking since we’ve gotten here and I can assure someone that I was so drunk there was no coming back to being sober anytime soon.

From what I could tell Phil stayed by my side but lacked in the amount of drinks I had although I noticed he did seem slightly buzzed. “Hey Dan, is it really a logical idea to be drinking more? You’re already drunk off your ass.” Phil asks, leaning close to me.

I wrap my arm around him and bring his head into my neck. “Shhhh, I’m not logical right now and I don’t want to be,” I lean down close to his ear, my voice hushed. “Just let me have some fun, yeah? Maybe you should lighten up a bit and join me. Does that sound like a plan?” As I said, I was drunk and I hate to admit it but I’m that kind of drunk that is silly as fuck but also needs someone to flirt with and have some fun. It’s not my fault, Phil is usually the person I do this too, plus he was the one that was there, his fault not mine.

Phil’s face goes beet red. “I um- Uh. I dunno Dan. If what you’re implying is that we uh… Do some stuff or something then I don’t think uh, we can do that since.. We’re kind of- There’s like something going on…? Right? I mean, there’s stuff happening between us right now. Plus, if someone sees us they might uh- Out us or something-”

I stop Phil by slamming my lips against his. The kiss was hard and sloppy but Phil didn’t seem to care and after a while the kiss turned slow and soft. After a moment it’s interrupted by the bartender letting out an awkward cough. “Sorry, um here’s your shot and drink.”

“Give the drink to the person who takes one of our seats,” I say quickly then take the shot and hand it to Phil. “Here, let’s find somewhere quiet to finish that kiss.” I say simply and get up from my seat and hold out my hand.

He pauses for a moment, hesitation still on his face. After a moment he allows a devious grin cross his lips and quickly takes the shot and grabs my hand. “Let’s go. Head into the bathroom, take one of the stalls or something.” He suggests as I’m dragging him into the men’s restroom and rushing into the biggest stall and locking it.

I push him against the stall door and press myself against Phil, giving him a soft kiss and biting his lip softly. “Dan,” Phil mutters as I start kissing his jaw and down to his neck. “Dan, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything. I’ve always loved you and I don’t know what’s been happening this year but I don’t like it. All I know is that I will die to have you back and-”

He stops talking as I grind against him. I bite my lip as I feel warmth rush to my hips as I watch Phil’s eyes go wide then quickly close as a loud moan escapes from him. “Fuck Phil, I love you more than anything in the world okay? Right now all I is want you,” I press my forehead against his and look into his eyes. “I want to touch you _**everywhere**_. I don’t care if this year has been rough or how we used to be. Right now I just want to feel your lips against mine. So let’s live in the moment and have some fun, yeah?” My pupils are large and longing, I might’ve been drunk but the part about loving him wasn’t said just to get in his pants. I wanted Phil more than a friend and more than just a fuck buddy. I wanted Phil as my everything.

He nods and then leans up and presses his lips against mine. He puts his hand on my hips and pushes me against the wall, taking control. “Yeah, let’s have some fun.” He repeats my words and grinds against me hard causing me to let out a moan. He laughs deviously into the kiss then brings his lips down to my collar bone. He kisses it lightly, making me moan quietly in pleasure and then he bites down on it fairly hard.

I let out a loud whimper and throw my head back, and my hips shoot up, closing the gap between mine and Phil’s hips, causing a moan to escape from each of our mouths. “Fuck Phil, _**yes**_. Again.” Of course he would do that here. He knew what I liked and what I was into and he was drunk now and clearly didn’t give two shits if someone heard me whimper in pleasure at the pain.

We spent the rest of the party in that bathroom having our fun. We woke up the next morning in my bed, our hands entwined together. I woke up before Phil, carried him into his bedroom and counted my blessings that Phil couldn’t remember a thing that happened last night. Needless to say I never explained what happened the night before to him ever.

~July 31st 1:00 a.m.~

_“Starting to live the lies we tell ourselves”_

“Dan, we need to talk.” Fuck, I don’t wanna do this, I can’t do this. I’ve been ignoring the “talk” for months now and I’m scared I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to talk about me and Phil or what we are. I just want to keep having Phil to kiss and cuddle with when I want with no questions as to what we are. I want to be able to tell him how much his existence means to me while my head is pressed into his neck without being questioned if this was platonic or not.

“No we don’t.” I say simply, not looking from the desktop on my desk. We’d just moved into our new flat in London and my room was still a bit bare.

Phil slams his hand next to my hand on my mouse, looking down at me. “Yes we do. Look, Dan you’ve been avoiding this since the beginning of the year and it’s time we discuss what the hell this is.”

“What what is?” I say, still hoping there was some way to avoid this. I don’t look up from my computer screen but I can tell Phil is already starting to get angry.

Phil leans over and turns off my screen. “Stop playing dumb alright?! I’m sick and tired of you running from this conversation! What are you so scared of? If we have this conversation then we can figure things out and decide what we are!”

I turn my chair towards him quickly. “I don’t know what the _**fuck**_ you’re talking about Phil. Everyone thinks we are just two best friends and that’s what we are! I don’t know what you’re on about saying we need to talk. Talk about what? That we sit around telling our fans we’re friends who have known each other for years?! Do you want to tell them we occasionally fuck and I sure as hell enjoy it too?!” I yell, standing up and getting into his face.

There’s fire in Phil’s eyes and I can tell he’s holding back the urge to kill me and cry. “Stop acting like what we tell our fans is the truth because you tell me you love me every time we’re laying in on the couch or one of our beds and I like to believe it’s the truth.”

“Well…” I pause for a moment, my hands balled up in fists. “It’s not,” I mumble, trying to believe myself. But I couldn’t, I couldn’t even convince myself I didn’t really love him but I said it, so it’s too late now. “Phil I-”

“Get out,” Phil says, his voice quiet and calm. “Please get out of this flat, the only time I wanna see you again is to get your things. I can’t handle your _ **bullshit**_ anymore Dan! You’re on my lap like every other day telling me that I’m the best thing that happened to you and then you just lock yourself up when someone mentions our relationship or want to talk about us. You act like I’m just some kind of sex or cuddle toy. I’m not, I’m a fucking _**human**_ and I have **_feelings_**. So just get the hell out of this house right now because I don’t want to see your face ever again!” He started off yelling and then ends in a hushed voice. His eyes were welling up with tears.

“Phil no, look I-”

“Just _**shut up**_ Dan. I came in here just a few minutes ago, expecting a calm conversation with someone mature that ended on a high note. But all I got was finding out the person I really fucking loved doesn’t care enough to talk about what the hell we are.”

With that I rush out the flat, tears falling from my eyes. I roam the streets in London, having no clue where to go. It didn’t help that I was new to this place and didn’t really know where _**anything**_ was. I kept walking for an hour and a half until I ended up where I was now, tucked up against a brick building, eyes closed and hoping to never wake up again.

~August 1st 6:30a.m.~

To my disappointment I’m shaken awake. I open my eyes to be greeted by a woman. “Excuse me sir, are you okay? I saw you from across the street and have been watching you for about half an hour. You’re soaking wet, how long have you been out here?”

“Um… I don’t know, what time is it?” I ask, pulling myself up. I shiver as I start to feel everything again. The numbness, the pain, the heartbreak… the regret. Can’t I just go back to sleep again so it can all go away?

The lady looks over at her watch. “It’s 6:30 in the morning.”

“Right… So it’s been four hours,” I say simply. “I’m sorry if I’m about to sound rude, but I’ve kind of just had the worst moment of my life and just want to be left alone.”

“Oh, um you’re fine. Do you have anyone to go back to? A home or something?” She asks as I stand up.

I think for a moment. I did have a home to go to. I had a nice home with a nice man who I really did love. I _**had**_ all of that, until I went and fucked it all up. “No, not really. But I’ll figure it out, alright? Thank you for waking me and worrying.” I tell her simply, attempting a small smile.

“Are you sure? I could take you to my house if you have nowhere else to go.” She suggests to me, touching me on the arm lightly.

I slowly recoil from the touch, and shoot her an even larger, faker, smile. “It’s fine thank you. I’ll be fine,” I say simply. “Thank you again for trying to help me. I really do appreciate-”

“Dan?!” I turn my head toward the yell of my name. “Dan!” It’s Phil, running towards me, his hair was wild and he was still in his pajama pants. He had on a button up shirt but several buttons were left unbuttoned.

“I’m assuming that is someone you know?” The lady asks with a small grin.

“I um, yeah. Yeah I guess you could say that.” I tell her and smile as Phil runs towards me and wraps me tightly into a hug.

“Dan, I am so so so _**so**_ sorry I kicked you out last night. I know what I did was stupid and no matter how angry I am at you I shouldn’t have kicked you out when it was pouring outside. Why didn’t you grab a jacket or something before you left?” He asks then stops awkwardly as he notices the woman who continued to have a smirk on her face as she watched the situation play out. “Oh! Um, hi. I’m sorry to interrupt you two and you’re discussion.”

“Oh no, you’re completely fine. I was just making sure this man was alright. I saw he had been sleeping here on the sidewalk for a while and came to check on him and make sure he was alright. But it seems like he’s in good hands now. I’ll be going, have a nice day sir, I hope everything works out.” And with that she shoots me a small wink to wish me and Phil good luck and I can’t help but let out a playful laugh.

Phil chuckles quietly. “Well that was a bit odd,” He says looking back at me. He looks me up and down, noticing my clothes were soaking wet and how I was shivering. “Dan you’re all wet. Please come back home so you can get out of that and into something warm.” He wraps his arm around me and starts walking me down the street.

I can’t help but feel that this wasn’t right. Just a few hours ago he wanted me out the house and never to see my face again. Now he wanted me to come home and is apologizing when he shouldn’t be. This was too easy and I didn’t want Phil to just forget and ignore what happened like I did. “Wait Phil, I can’t do this,” I stop walking. “You can’t just accept me back home when you just kicked me out. I deserved this you know, I don’t want you to feel like this was your fault because it wasn’t. I don’t want you to apologize or even tell me it’s okay because it’s not. How I’ve been acting isn’t okay, what I’ve said isn’t okay. I mean, I want to come home so _**so**_ bad but I don’t think I’ve fully explained myself enough either,” I pause, looking over at him and continue as I notice him nod. “I’m sorry I’ve ignored the subject of us lately. I was just scared because I’m just tired of labels y’know. Also Phil, I just wanna let you know that I know I’ve been an ass hole this entire year and I’ve been treating you like you’re just someone I used to cuddle and kiss and stuff but you are so much more than that to me. You really are my entire life and when you told me to get out my entire world came crashing down.” I take his hand in mine. “I’m okay if you don’t want to be with me romantically anymore, but please let me come home. I promise you I will _**never**_ treat you the way I have been ever again. And whatever the hell is missing from this relationship that was here in 2009 then I promise I’ll find the problem and I’ll fix it. Just know that I’m sorry for everything and I’m going to stay here by your side and I’m never going to act so shallow ever again. I love you more than anything and whether it’s romantic or not, I promise I will convince you that that really is the truth.” I finish, out of breath. My eyes are locked onto his and I start to get lost in the ocean.

It wasn’t until I felt soft lips against mine that I broke the look. I close my eyes and melt into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck as I feel his hands rest on my hips. The kiss is calm and chaste and when Phil breaks from it I’m already missing it. “You talk a lot, y’know that?” He says playfully, with a sweet smile. Phil pecks me on the lips before backing away from me and entwining my fingers with his, not seeming to care that we were in public and a fan could spot us. “Let’s get you back home and get dressed alright? We can talk more about us after you’re not shivering.”

I only nod my head smiling down at the floor. Just at the beginning of the year me and Phil went from okay to terrible right back to okay again. I can’t say things are perfect now, I’d be a liar if I did. But I can definitely say I am so lucky to have someone as accepting and forgiving as Phil in my life. Things might not be the same as they were in 2009 but that’s okay. Sometimes changes can be a good thing and if I had anything to do with it I will do anything it takes to make this relationship with Phil the best change we’ve had in our lives.


End file.
